Hi Reader,
Have you ever had this conversation?
Your partner tells you something you did that bothered or hurt them, and almost immediately you start explaining.
"That's not what I meant."
“I was overwhelmed.”
“You’re taking it the wrong way.”
“I only said that because…”
From your perspective, you’re trying to clear things up. It’s only natural, especially when ADHD is involved. You most likely didn’t MEAN to. It wasn't intentional, so you want them to understand what actually happened.
You may even think:
“If I can just explain this correctly, they’ll understand and we can move on.”
Except they’re still upset. And now you’re thinking:
“What else do you want from me? I explained it.”
Here’s the problem:
Explanation and repair are not the same thing.
Your explanation may answer: “Why I did that?”
But your partner may be asking: “Do you understand what that was like for me?”
Those are two different conversations.
You may say: “I snapped because I was exhausted.”
That explains the behavior. But your partner wants you to acknowledge the sting. This may sound like:
“I can see that my tone hurt you.” (acknowledgement)
“You’re right. I got defensive instead of listening.”(ownership)
“I’m sorry. Can I try that again?”(repair)
This gets especially tricky when defensiveness shows up fast.
If you have ADHD and you feel criticized, your brain may immediately want to:
- correct the details
- explain the context
- defend your intention
- point out what your partner did too
- prove you’re not a bad person
The problem is that your partner may experience all of that as: “You’re still not hearing me!”
Then the loop begins: They push harder for acknowledgement--You explain more--They get more frustrated--And now the argument is no longer about what happened, it’s about whether their experience is even being acknowledged.
Repair can be surprisingly simple.
It doesn’t mean you're agreeing, admitting fault, or taking responsibility for things you didn't do, It’s only about acknowledging and/or owning the action you did do. It can sound like:
“I can see why that hurt.”
“You’re right. I interrupted you.”
“I got defensive. I’m sorry.”
“That wasn’t my intention, but I understand the impact.”
“Can we start that conversation over?”
Those phrases do something explanations often don’t. They tell your partner:
I heard you. Your experience matters to me. I’m willing to own my part.
Of course your intent matters. Hopefully Partners recognize when actions aren’t intentional. But intention does not eliminate the impact.
Impact matters too. Both are true.
You may not have meant to hurt your partner, and your partner may still have been hurt. Repair happens when you can hold both. One of the most useful questions you can ask yourself after conflict is:
"Am I trying to help my partner feel understood, or am I trying to prove that I’m not wrong?"
Those lead to very different conversations.
Sometimes your relationship doesn’t need another explanation. It needs repair.
If you're interested in coaching for couples, I will be launching soon an "ADHD couples blueprint" group course and accepting a limited number of clients for a beta cohort. If you are interested, please reply to this newsletter. I will reach out to you first!
Warmest Regards,
Heidi
