Why you may be having two very different Thursdays
Hi Reader,
It's two days after Election Day.
Depending on how you're feeling about the results, you may be relieved, disappointed, worried, energized, exhausted, but most likely, a combination of all five.
Your partner might be having an entirely different experience.
One person wants to talk, process all the incoming details, discuss the latest headlines, and predict the future.
The other wants to turn off the television and think about absolutely anything else. They are DONE with the election for now.
Neither person is necessarily wrong. But the mismatch can create friction.
And for couples navigating ADHD, these differences in emotional capacity and regulation can be especially challenging.
When one person needs to talk and the other needs to disconnect
Imagine this:
You've spent the day absorbing news, conversations, and opinions. You get home and want to talk about everything you're thinking.
Your partner has also had a long day. They're mentally exhausted and have no capacity for another emotionally charged conversation.
You start talking.
They give you a distracted response.
You feel dismissed.
They feel overwhelmed.
Now you're arguing about something that wasn't even the original issue.
This dynamic can happen around politics, but it also happens with work stress, parenting decisions, finances, and everyday frustrations.
Sometimes what looks like a lack of interest is actually a lack of capacity.
That doesn't mean your need for connection is unreasonable.
And it doesn't mean your partner gets to dismiss what matters to you.
It means you may need to negotiate when and how you connect.
Try a capacity check-in:
Before launching into something emotionally demanding, ask:
"Do you have the bandwidth for this conversation right now?"
It's a small question, but it creates an opportunity for both partners to be intentional.
The person who wants to talk gets to express that something matters.
The person being approached gets to assess their capacity rather than immediately reacting.
And if the answer is no, there's one important additional step:
Make the later conversation trustworthy.
Instead of saying, "I don't want to talk about this," try:
"I'm pretty tapped out right now. I do want to hear what you're thinking. Can we talk after dinner for 20 minutes?"
Then follow through.
For the ADHD partner, this may require a reminder or a calendar notification. That's fine. Use the support you need.
Because "later" only works when both people can trust that it actually means later.
Give each other a little room to recover
We often talk about emotional regulation as an individual skill.
But relationships also benefit when both partners understand each other's capacity.
One person may need to process out loud.
Another may need quiet.
One may need reassurance.
Another may need movement, distraction, or time alone.
The goal isn't to make both partners respond the same way.
It's to create enough understanding that different needs don't automatically become personal rejection.
This week, try asking each other two questions:
- "What has been taking up the most mental or emotional energy for you?"
- "What would help you feel supported right now?"
You may be surprised by how different the answers are.
Connection doesn't always mean being in the same emotional place. Sometimes it means making room for where the other person is.
Until next week!
Heidi
P.S. Next week, I have a couple of spots open for a discovery call if you're interested in ADHD coaching with your partner.
